Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Pasta and Petulance

Although that amazing title should maybe be saved for a more amazing post, its only gonna get what I'm about to write.  And what I'm about to write is not amazing, or earth shattering, or even especially happy.  My apologies, but its raining here, and while I like the rain, it does lend one to melancholy.  
not my picture.  got it from google.

So I'm having lunch with my advisor today (at a pasta place, in case that wasn't obvious), and chances are good, he's going to ask me the question he always asks, which is "So why are you  getting a PhD in IE?"  And its not because he doubts my abilities.  Heck, he practically stole me from the math department (not really).  But its because he wants me to know why I'm doing it.

But today, I don't know.  Today I want to quit and buy a farm in PA and start my fruit stand business.  And I have to schedule classes soon, and it doesn't hold all of the excitement it used to.  Oh, there is some excitement still there, thanks to my planning psychosis, but not like there used to be when I was a wee thing in undergrad.

I could say its because I'm tired of it, "it" being homework and presentations and 8 am classes (two next semester) and a lack of a "real" job.  But the truth is, I'm tired of uncertainty.  I still don't know for sure that I'm going to be able to finish this thing, and I don't know if I'm getting an internship this summer, and I don't know if the research funding is going to come through and I don't know where I'm going to get a job after I'm done and and and ...

But my Momma once said that "Being uncertain about your future means that you're wide open for whatever God is going to do."  (Yes, Mom, you did say that.  Even if you don't remember.  Don't forget to go to the store)  And believe you me, I'm feeling pretty wide open right about now.  But I do know the next step, and for now, its that I register for next semester, and I finish this one out well, and I apply for all of the internships I can find.  And I'm going to have cheese ravioli's with arrabiata sauce.

And I guess I'm going to fake it for a while.  Unless my advisor reads this.  Then I'll own up to it.☺ 

And, since its been a while, 

Me: So the grad school I applied to is offering me an assistantship and free schooling and an additional one-year fellowship, if I go there.
Him: Really?
Me: Yeah.
Him: Is it a lousy school?
Me: No, its a good school...
Him: Huhm... Are they desperate or something?  Like, why are they offering all of that to you?
I will say that I kind of like that he doesn't see me first as a big 'ole nerd, but I did have to explain to him after this that, well, I'm kind of a big deal  

Getting hungry for lunch at 9:30 AM


  1. i love handsome. and you. and that you reminded your mom to go to the store. because we need eggs. and soy sauce. also, my verification word is "tablo," which i like to pretend means "notebook" in spanish, even though i am probably dead wrong. don't quit, but know that i'll love you just the same if you do. but don't. :)

  2. @Miss Hannah

    You're sweet! And I'm not quitting. Yet :)

  3. I definitely understand how you're feeling! Somedays, I have to convince myself this is what I want right now or even further down the line. It's hard not to get jaded when all the expectations and due dates start to fluster you. But I know you're a rock star and can do anything you want!


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