Saturday, April 23, 2011

Kitchen Fail # 1 & Giveaway

HA!  I just read the title of this post, and it sounds like I'm giving away my Kitchen Fail.

Doesn't that just entice the heck out of ya'?

But first, the KFail itself.

I started out innocently enough; I want to be a baker.  I like to be creative.  I want to create a yummy baked good.  Not a bad start.  

And then it became even more promising, as I drove past a Strawberry stand on the side of the road, realized I had cash money in my pocket, and came home with these:

And maybe this was heaping full as of yesterday at 6PM
And maybe there was another 1/2 of one also full yesterday that is now empty.
And no, I don't have an impulse control problem with regards to Strawberries.
Who's asking?
So that was a real boon.  And then, at the store, this guy was on sale:

Behold, the stars have aligned, the time for my creativity has arrived.

And let me tell you, I had big aspirations.  As I'm warming and mixing and rolling and pouring, I'm also thinking to myself, 
"Self, maybe this Strawberry Cheesecake Tartlet will become an Easter tradition.  Maybe people will beat down the door of your shop one day, exclaiming that they can't have easter without it.  Maybe you'll call them 'Easter Tarts'.  This has so much promise.  Nice thinking, self!"
Oh, how young I was then.  How naive... 

I creamed together 1 block cr. cheese, 1/2 stick butter, 1/2 C Brown sugar, 1/2 t vanilla.

Yum.  Perhaps I should have stopped here.  

Then I added in 2 eggs, beat the entire thing on high for 90 seconds, and poured in 1/2 C Strawberry Puree, courtesy of my belated birthday gift of a Magic Bullet.

It still looked... okay.  And the smell was decent. Taste was yummy, but... I guess I should have known here.  The consistency was soupy.  The flavor, while yummy, was not intense in any aspect and I figured it might bake out.  I was mostly right.

But did I quit?  NO!  Did I falter? Not a Chance!  Did I press on?  Of course I did!


Because you go big, or you stay home.  Period.  

(please disregard the fact that I was doing this at my own home.  I'm speaking figuratively here.)

So I rolled out some buttery & flaky crescent rolls, cut them into 4's and lined my mini muffin pan.  Poured a scoopful into each one, and proceeded to bake them at 400* for 15 minutes.

Still holding a note of promise, although the consistency already feels wrong...
Well, after 15 minutes, the crescents were brown but the filling wasn't baked, so I covered the entire thing in foil and let it go for another, oh, I don't know, 8 minutes or so.

And Voila!  Bon Apetit!


Doesn't that brown sloppy mess look appealing as all get out?

And those pictures right thar are really flattering, let me tell you; most of them don't look that nice.

So I tried one.  And the burnt crescent roll kind of overpowered everything else.  So I scooped out the middle, and tried it.  And it was still delicately-sweet-strawberry-tasting, which was nice, but the consistency was like... a warm custard that has sat too long.  Or something equally disconcerting.  Oh, and I have 11 of these left.  

So now, the giveaway!  Ha!  Just kidding again.  I don't know what I'm going to do with them.  
When Handsome wakes up, I'll probably make him try one.  (Not that he's sleeping, mind you.  He's "just laying down for a minute").  And then I'll likely throw the rest away.  If they were good for me or something, I could see making myself finish them; but they're not.  Did you notice those ingredients above??  I don't feel like I'm doing myself or the world any favors by forcing myself to eat bad-tasting/bad-for-you baked goods.  Ya feel me?

But, I also have another 2 C of the filling in a bowl in my fridge.  If I had some CoolWhip, I might mix that in, and bake it in a pie.  Try that.  But I don't.  So perhaps I'll put it in a pie anyhow, bake it, and call it Strawberry Custdard Crap.  Probably the route I'm going to go.

Now, about this giveaway.  
I hope you've gotten your hopes deep down in the dumps where they belong.  And I don't know if this is even something a person would want to win.  And even if you don't want it, you can still try to win it, because its just nice to win things.  But here we go.

Back Story:  About 11 months ago, I went shopping.  And while I was shopping, I spied this really nice polo, on sale!  And it was in a color that Handsome already has a button-up in, and so I thought it would be a shoe in.  And he would look really good in it.  So I went ahead and bought it.  Come to find out, the Primal Man's Maculinity Line (according to Handsome) is drawn right between pink oxfords (manly) and pink polos (not manly).

I apologize for this being sideways.  I thought I could rotate it once it was on here.
I cannot.
p.s.- I could iron it for you before I send it.  But I might not.

In case you don't read sideways, this shirt is an X-Large, Vintage Polo

It has sat in his closet these 11 months, while I tried to come up with a scheme to get him to wear it.  Once he did, I was going to complement him profusely, thus ensuring that he would wear it again.  Alas, he is too cunning for me, and will not fall for any of my traps.
  • "Uh, its a party, uhm, but you have to wear pink.. yeah, its a pink party..." 
  • "Oh, it seems all of your other polos are dirty.  Guess you'll have to wear this one golfing, since a collared shirt is required and all..." 
  • "Oh, look, it appears that the only shirt I packed you was this pink one.  You'll have to wear that.  No, you can't buy a shirt here.  They cost $348 dollars a piece."

So I've decided this is not the hill I want to die on, and although he would look especially handsome in it, I've just accepted the fact that he's never going to wear it.  I would return it, but then I'd have to drive 140+ miles, and 11 months is a wee bit outside of J.Crew's return policy.

Thus, the giveaway.  I don't have any restrictions or policies, as I've never done this before.  I will say that you have to answer the question I give you, and I would encourage you to only do it once.  Seeing as how the post with the most comments on this blog only has 7, and 3 of them are mine, I'd say you've got a pretty good chance, regardless.  And like I said, even if you don't have anyone who would want to wear this, or could wear this, I'd still go for it.  Heck, I might enter, just because winning things is fun.

To Enter:
 Answer the questions, "What are your Easter Traditions?" and "What are you going to do with the shirt if you win it?"  Include your email address in the comment, so that I can contact you to let you know that you're the winner (if you are, in fact, the winner).  
I will choose a winner tomorrow at 9 PM.  I will then contact said winner, and get their shipping address.  Once I have the address, I will mail the shirt.  Done.  And there will be much rejoicing.  Oh, and I'm not concerned with where you live.  Supposedly, people from Canada, Sri Lanka, Denmark, and South Africa stop by here occasionally (Hi Far-away Friends!  Hello out there!), and I think the excitement of shipping to someone so far away outweighs the cost to ship.  So don't be shy, Imbibe!

Never Never Never giving up in the Kitchen (even if the FD comes),


  1. What are my Easter traditions? Family. This year both my sister and I have to work Easter, and since my sister's 6-7 hours away and I'm only 1-2, my mom's visiting me! My dad and stepmother are busy planning weddings for my stepsister (May 14) and my stepbrother (July 22), so they'll be stuck in the Atl. As a kid, traditions included an Easter basket full of goodies, followed by an Easter egg hunt where I was always instructed to leave the "easier to find" eggs for my younger sister to stumble over. Then it was off to church, followed by a big family lunch. Oh, tradition.

    What am I going to do with the shirt if I win it? Wear it! I may not look as good in it as Handsome, but I think I look pretty good in pastels. Plus, even if I look goofy or "frat-tastic", I can always just say I'm supporting breast cancer research.

    Not that anonymity wasn't already broken, but my email is:

  2. Anonymous4/24/2011

    Keep posting stuff like this i really like it

  3. @Jeremy

    Surprisingly enough, J. White, you are the winner. Congrats. I'll have your shirt for you tomorrow! Thanks for playing.


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