Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Firehouse Remedies

It has been over a year now that Handsome has been employed as a full-time firefighter.  

And that means a lot of things.

It means that he's officially off of probation, and will likely not get fired if makes a tiny mistake.  We thought, for the first year, that this was a possibility, and his employment there seemed like such a ... fragile, precious thing.  Turns out, he probably would not have been fired for a tiny mistake either way, but ... meh.  Definitely not now though.  

It means that he's not the new guy on the shift anymore.  It means that he's got a nice camaraderie going with the guys he works with.  It means that I've got every third day marked on my calendar from now until after Christmas so we can keep up with his shed-dule.   It means that his mastery of the English language has deteriorated some.  Now guys, don't take this the wrong way, but you all get a little... creative when it comes to noises that make up real words, and noises that don't.  Also, it means that when Handsome comes home after a shift or two, he sounds like he grew up eating fried okra, drinking sweet tea, and his first cuss word was dad'gum.  

There's a lot of things that go on at the fire department that carry over into home life.  There's the southern drawl, of course.  And Handsome is a better cleaner, thanks to the mandatory daily upkeep of the station.  He's also a more reluctant cleaner at home, since he does it every day at work, but, you take the good with the bad.  And if you had asked me, I would have guessed that these traits, as well as the others above would eventually come to pass.  

Let me tell you something I didn't expect: Firehouse Remedies.

Nope, wouldn't have guessed it.  Got a problem growing your tomatoes?  There's a firehouse home remedy for that - watered down dishsoap in a spray bottle, once a week.  Got an issue with your dog not eating his food?  2 Tablespoons of Canola oil on his chow every day, he'll gobble it right up.  And, most recently, my reigning favorite...

Having foot problems?  Of any type whatsoever?  Oh, we've got this covered:

If you think that bottle says: AntNeptic Moth Rink
Well, you're wrong.
But hey, the glare gets the best of all of us once in a while.

Yeah, its weird.  Let me lay this out for you, let you in on some of my own weird experiences.

Hey Handsome!
My you're looking... well, handsome.  And happy, too!
What are you so happy about?
Huh.  I didn't expect to see that.
Its weird, but suddenly I'm hungry for some cake...
Uh, sir, I have a question...
I don't mean to be rude, but, uhm, well, I guess I'll just come right out with it.
Are you a hobbit?
Or perhaps you have some spiders hanging out on your toes.
Is that what this is about?
Are you trying to drown your toe-dwelling spider friends?
Oh, now don't feel bad.
There's a lot of people with spiders living on top of their toes...
I'm sure of it... somewhere.
So thats it.  In case the actual series of events is escaping you, let me give you the scientific directions for clearing up any foot issue you may be having.  (p.s. - I'm not sure if this works for people who want a different shoe size, but I suppose its possible.)

  1. Buy a big 'ole bottle of Antiseptic Mouth Rinse, maybe two.  But not the green kind.  Why not the green kind?  Well, silly rabbit, because it'll turn your feet green.
  2. Pour said bottle into a large container, preferably one with a lid.  Why a lid, you ask?  Because you can reuse this stuff.  Only about 3 or 4 times, though.  YUM.
  3. Immerse your feet into the rinse.  If all of the problem areas of your feet are not covered, pour in more.
  4. Sit patiently for 15-20 minutes while the medicine works its magic.  
  5. Remove feet from rinse and pat dry.
  6. Enjoy the nice cooling sensation, as well as the eucalyptus/menthol smell.  Mmmm...
  7. Repeat approximately weekly.
And that is how its done.   Handsome has only had one application of the stuff.  And we only had one bottle, so it didn't quite cover.  And we didn't have a lid, so we had to throw it out which was *sarcasm alert* just too darn bad...  H will report that it does not show improvement after only one application, it should be part of a routine.  

Me, well, I don't love the smell of menthol & eucalyptus (I know, whats wrong with me, right?), and I made him keep his smelly feet out from under my nice blanket.  But overall, if he's happy and the cure costs $3.89, well, that works for me.  Just as long as he doesn't expect me to share.  We're not that close.  Technically, I think we'd have to be siamese twins joined at the feet for us to be that close, and that would complicate a lot of other areas in our lives.  So we're not sharing this.

I'm not sure the purpose of this post.  I won't even recommend that you try it, because I haven't, and I can't in good conscience recommend something that I'm too weirded-out about to try.  But if you do try it, please let me know how it goes.  Take pictures, too.  There's just something funny to me about the whole thing.

Off to dream sweet dreams of gargling,

1 comment:

  1. Believe it or not, I've heard of this before for athlete's foot. But you're right, none of that wimpy green stuff. Has to be the authentic generic Listerine stuff. My Grandma would be so proud.


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