Friday, August 26, 2011

Changing & Stirring

Something is stirring inside of me.

No, not the amount of queso I ate for dinner.  My stomach can totally handle that by now.

I'm talking in my heart.  My true innards.  Way down deep.

You all know this already, if you've been here for any amount of time.  It all started with a little bit of a soul dump here, and then moved on to something more defined here, rounding out with some reflection here.  Its been a process, to say the least.

Maybe I'm like a caterpillar.
I'm not really sure in what capacity.  Actually, I'm making all of that up.
I just wanted to show you this cool picture.
The cool thing about the way God is working in me right now is that its... subterranean.  I don't even know the actual definition of that word.  But what I mean it to mean is that its below the surface; not obvious, not loud, not even always identifiable.  But its there, and its constant.  God is working a change in my heart.  I say that here, written in black and white (beige?) because naming it gives it substance.  There is a part of me that so badly wants to give it complete form, to work out the ending to see where it is taking me, but this is not my job.

Make no mistake about it, God does not answer to me.  I don't know His plan, or even His reasons a lot of the time, but it doesn't matter.  I say, "God, I don't know where you're taking me!  I don't understand!" and God looks at me with love and compassion and shouts from heaven, "NUNYA."  As in, Nun'ya beeswax (code for: none of your business).


Its not my deal.  As I've heard a lot in my new area of research, that tool is not in my wheelhouse.  What's a wheelhouse, you ask?  Well, aside from what Wiki tells me, I don't really understand. All I know is that God is God, and I am not.  He has a plan for me, and my job is to be obedient.  To do the next thing.

When my advisor (before he was my advisor) asked me why I was getting a PhD, I told him the only answer I knew; "It was something to do".  Sounds ridiculous, I know.  A PhD as a fall-back plan? Yeah, that's how I roll, I guess.  And then my advisor told me, "You have a sucky life-plan.  You might want to re-think it."  I'll admit that, yes, according to conventional wisdom, I do have a sucky life plan (hyphenated or no?  I can't decide).  But I'm not really into conventional wisdom.
But God has chosen the foolish things of the world to shame the wise, and God has chosen the weak things of the world to shame the things that are strong...  So that no man may boast before God.  1 Cor. 1:27&29
 So maybe I'm foolish.  Maybe I don't "have a whole lot of direction" right now.  Maybe I "don't shower regularly" and maybe I "smell like a wet dog".  Whatever.  I'm not too concerned about that.  My concern is doing the next thing.  Finding the next obedient step, and taking it.  Sounds simple.  Boom.  Done.

Its not.

But it is, at the same time.  I just need to sidle on up close to God, keep my head in the game, and my eyes open.  Its a daily thing.  Some days I get it.  Others, well, I get to try again the next day. 

See this?
God made all of this.
Surely, he can handle the inner workings of my life without assistance.
I trust that.  

Right now I'm doing school.  I know that much.  And I'm not just attending class right now, either, no sirree.  Nope, right now, I'm kicking tail and taking names, with regards to my assignments, that is.  I know, its been 3 days.  So?  Its still probably my longest "good work ethic" streak I've had to date, so I'm going to take it.  And I'm still excited.  

I'm also working on nursing this "homesteader" bent that cropped up lately.  I want to ... 

...this sounds weird.  I don't even know if I can explain it.  Here 'goes.

I want to live off of the land, use what I have, and make what I need.  I want to can - fruits, vegetables, sauces, etc.  I want to use what I have, either as intended by the manufacturer, or re-purposed.  I want to make what I need.  I want a duffle bag - so I'm planning to make one.  I want pretty quilts - so I make them.  I wanted tortillas the other day - so I made some (totally easy, fyi, and taste just like store bought, or better!).  I know I'm going to lose some of you on this next one, but I've been thinking about making clothes lately.  I don't mean jumpers and stuff, I'm not going there.  But I've been on etsy, and seen clothing that other people have made, and I think, "Self, you could maybe do that, with some practice."  Again, my mother probably encouraged me too much as a child, and there is a part of me that believes, with instruction and time, I can do nearly anything.  

This is the direction I'm heading as of this day and hour.  I don't know why.  We have a Wal*Mart just down the road, I could buy anything I needed.  But I have a desire to live in such a way that if stores were 45+ miles away and I had to travel by mule (slow and uncomfortable), I would still survive.  Unusual, sure.  Weird, maybe.  Why?  No idea.  But its what I've got right now, the only direction I have, and so I will follow it until directed otherwise.  

One note: I will not be getting a Mohawk.
This guy here, he's rocking it, and it would be embarrassing  to even try and compete.
So that's whats stirring inside of me.  Aren't you glad you asked?  Oh, you didn't?  I could have sworn...  Oh well.  Either way, now you know, and, as my SIL told me last week (in a much different context, but still), there are just some things you can't UN-know.  And now, you can't UN-know me.  Ha.  Gotcha!

Un-UN-knowable,
TFW

1 comment:

  1. i fully support the living like laura ingalls.

    i also think jude has the perfect shape of head to rock the 'hawk. love him. love you.

    ReplyDelete

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