Monday, February 20, 2012

When I have Children

I do not have children of my own.
Thus, I know little to nothing concerning the actual taking-care of actual children.

The other night, Handsome made some comment about how "[his] children are gonna starve, because [he's] never giving up food off of [his] plate for them" and so we've moved the have children date a little further back on the calendar.



(Do those two words mean the same thing?)

When we have children, there is one thing that I know we'll be on the same page about: 
No Noisy Toys.

Yes, as an aunt, I've supplied my nieces and nephews with noisy toys.  Tons of them.  I feel it's not only my right, but my duty, to buy toys for my n&n's that their parents don't want them to have.  And "yes", with a family as large as mine & Handsome's, we're likely to end up with a great number of noisy toys gifted to us someday, for our less-than-intelligent and less-than-attractive children.  [I love low expectations]

However, noisy toys can be disabled.

Batteries can be removed.

Bells can be cut off.

Toys in general can "disappear".

We're already practicing with Duke-a-loop.  See those Wubba Kongs up there?  The one on the left (your left, not his) has a broken squeaker.  The one on the right has a working squeaker.  A working squeaker that almost hastened Duke's exit from this world, but that's a story for another time.  Apart from setting the two toys down and telling Duke to sit, I gave no other commands during this experiment. 

When given the choice between a noisy toy and a silent one...

Duke knows which one I want him to pick.  See him looking at me?  He's on to me!  He knows that Wubba is the wun I wunt him to wuv.  He knows that the other one isn't a good choice.  It will only end in heartache and tears.

Doesn't stop him, though.

Every time.

Without fail.

So that noisy toy has to go away for a while.  We've explained it to Duke by telling him that there are other dogs in the world who don't have toys, and so we're donating some of his to them...  Which is true, as long as those other dogs know how to get toys out of a dumpster...  Okay, just kidding on that last part.  But we do hide/sit on/throw the noisy ones.

Luckily, he's a dog, so he loves us ir regardless.

He just got my nose, I swear,


  1. as one of your closest sister-friends and a lifelong grammar nazi, i feel i must tell you that irregardless is totally inappropriate. taken literally, it means "without without regard." the suffix "less" already means there is no "regard." to add the "ir" prefix just makes it a double negative. it's technically not even a word. yes, you'll find it in dictionaries, but it is always accompanied by the term "nonstandard," meaning, "yes, people say this, but that doesn't mean they should." on behalf of english people everywhere, i'm going to have to politely ask you to strike it from your vocabulary, please. :)

  2. and yes, i realize the irony of me writing that in all lowercase. i also forgot to cite my source:

    i love you. and your dog. and your husband. and i also believe in NOT sharing my food with my kids... just sayin'. you might not have to push that timeline back too far after all. :) also, to whomever gave our children the hannah montana electric singing guitar (i don't think it was you): i do not apologize for hiding it under the guest bed for the past year.

    1. Anonymous2/26/2012

      Oh guys, this is too good, :) That dog is smart, warning, kids are even smarter . . . so glad to see you planning and thinkin' ahead.

      PS It wasn't me either, the guitar I mean . . . feeling bad though about the creative stunting this may have caused Jan :) not really :)

  3. #1 - in our house noisy toys tend to show up as gifts from family members. Thanks guys {{ note sarcasm }}

    #2 - honestly, unless it's REALLY loud, or an ear-piercingly-high pitch, I don't even notice the noise much. Really. And I LOVE the sound of my daughter pounding out a tune on her toy piano. L-O-V-E.


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