I don't even know what words to say. This morning, at church, I feel as though I got completely beat up; I need to go sit in a dark room and recover. Every time the preacher opened his mouth, God spoke truth to my heart. Not nice truth, truth that He is there for me or He will never leave me. I know that truth. I've internalized that truth. No. It was hard truth. Uncomfortable truth. Truth that I fall short All. The. Time. Truth that shined (shone?) a light on areas where I've been lacking, been disobedient.
That truth is never easy to take. But it is so good to know that Creator God loves me enough to show me where I've screwed up, and how to change. He doesn't wreck me for fun, or because He's mean. He does it for my good, to teach me more about Himself, and to change me.
If I were never wrecked when God's word were preached, if He never spoke to me and I never saw any error in my life, my faith would be worthless. My God would be dead. If I never saw my own failings, I would never be in need of a Savior. I would just go along, doing the best that I could, or the best that I wanted to. And I never would have said, "God, I know my sin keeps me from you, and I don't want to be kept away any longer".
He loves me too much.
Since we had that little convo, where I gave Him what I had made of my life up unto that point and asked Him to please direct the rest of it, however He saw fit, I've been wrecked. That's not the way you often think the story will go. But it does. I've been more and more aware of how I am not good enough to be loved by a Holy God. And every time, I'm overwhelmed by the fact that Holy God does love me, more than my little brain can comprehend.
complained prayed to God earlier this week that I could not feel Him; I could not see Him in my life. I feel Him now, in my rawness and brokenness. I see Him in the mess I've made. I am mighty glad to be broken, if only to know that He cares enough, and that He will rebuild me. He will make me whole again; He's the only one who can.
I wrote this all down here, thinking "surely I'll just brain-dump and then never hit publish". Surely. Obviously, that's not the way it went, since you're reading it. In all honesty, I didn't care to tell you all this. I wanted to call my Mom. That's really the only person I wanted to share with. But I am persuaded that community only occurs when we share of ourselves. God wrecks me, not only for my good, but for His glory as well. I won't be accused of trying to hide that.
Thanks for sitting down with me this Sunday, and letting me share my heart. Let me know if you want to talk more about it! I know I've go stuff to work out.
Wrecked for Good,