Let me start by saying, I'm very intrinsically motivated. That's the word the teachers used to describe me when I was in grade school. If I had been loud about it, or rude, they would have called me "strong willed" or "non compliant". But I wasn't. I was shy (I know, right??), respectful, conscientious, and always made sure to get done what they had assigned me before I did what I wanted. But be sure - I did what I wanted. It just so happened that "what I wanted" was more of the "coloring extra pages" and "reading historical novels" and "practicing long division" (I'm learning to, as I like to call, to own it) and less of the loud rowdiness that usually accompanies a strong-willed child.
I always thought I was simply an obedient child. And I was. But looking at it now, probably in more detail than one's childhood is ever meant to be examined, I did what I was told, quickly, and then went back to doing what I wanted. Mom says "I need you to do the dishes"? I rushed down, did them right away, asked if there was any more, and then back upstairs to read my book or play on my gameboy. As some of my siblings taught me, the less I fought and the more I did what I was asked, the sooner I could do what I wanted. I also love my mom to the flippin' moon, and liked to make her happy. But still, we're taking an un-impassioned view on things here.
Fast forward 20 years. I'm here, about to leave what is just another conference in the string of conferences I've gone to and will continue to go to. But I'm having an end-of-bible-camp feeling, a come-to-Jesus moment, if you will. Are you ready for this? I want to write it down and then fling it to the outer-interwebs, so that, unlike the way the bible-camp fervor dies down as weeks pass (I'm talking the hype, not the life-changing Good News), this feeling will Stay. Stick. Remain. Do the opposite of fade.
I don't want to make purses for a living. I like it as a hobby, mostly when the weather is bad. It's not my calling. Consider "seamstress" of any type crossed off the list. I've told you this before. But now, I offer you something else: I don't want to be a baker. Weird, I know. I've always (at least, as long as you've known me on here) wanted to be a baker. And while I still love that dream, it does not ignite me. It gives me no passion. Mostly, it just seems fun, although the whole I-may-or-may-not-give-up-or-at-least-decrease-my-intake-of sugar thing really puts a damper on it.
Here's what I know, tonight, with the closing music still ringing in my ears:
ASIDE: Obviously, that's not what I know. But before I tell you, can I just say that it's more than a little bit scary and intimidating to put your actual life dream out there? There is a part of me that wants to draw back, but that's just my Flinch Reflex. Now I'm going to do it. I'm going to tell you. And it might change, this dream of mine. I trust that you'll give me the space to change, if I need to, and if you don't I'll just block all comments. So either way, we're good!
I want a faculty position. I want to be a professor. Probably even want to be one at
I'm going to face hard things, flinch, and then do them anyhow. And even when I fail or embarrass myself, I'm going to try again. Because this is what God has brought to me to do. I don't really understand it, as this is so far removed from the life I had planned for myself that it's laughable (when I'm not crying). But whatever my hands find to do, I am to do it as unto God. He's also the one who made my brain and made it work the way it does. I'm fully aware that the only reason I understand things and see the things I do is because God chose to make me that way. The brain isn't a muscle that I can flex and see growth, or a skill I practice over and over until I master it, although I should be both flexing and practicing. God has given, and He can take it away whenever He sees fit. But until He does, I'm going to use it with all my might.
ASIDE: Sometimes it makes me sad that God hasn't chosen me to be a missionary in a foreign land, to live a more exciting life. It seems, instead, that he's sent me for now as His ambassador to the nerds of the world. This is not what I would have chosen. I have a lingering feeling, however, that there will come some point in time, when I will finally see His plan. That there will be a situation where I can say, "who knows, but that God has put me in this position for such a time as this".What does this mean for Handsome? He's still my first priority, and being his wife (his first & best wife) is still my #1 job. I really don't see him being too affected (effected?), as I've been squandering a large amount of time while he's been at work anyhow. What does this mean for our future, for plans for a family, for plans of any type? I don't even know. As I've mentioned, my plans have worked out pretty much zero percent of the time, so I'm not going to sweat that part. I'll just do the next steps, and trust God for the rest.
When I start doubting, when I go a little crazy, please direct me back to that last line.
I'm going to do what I want,