I'm not doing a belly montage, folks. I'm sorry. If you were waiting around to see that, I've wasted your time. I've been writing about apples, apples, and more apples. For that, I don't apologize. I mean, c'mon. Honey Crisp, people. Seriously.
But yeah, belly montages. They look cute and I have nothing against them. I even understand them, documenting the radical change that your body is going through. I mean, as Handsome keeps reminding me, he's never seen me with a belly before. Sometimes he calls it a beer gut, because he's sensitive like that. And honestly, I've never seen me like this.
It's not much yet, although it's enough to make even using the 'ole hairband around the button trick not work anymore. But that up there, that's your only belly shot. I'd tell you to savor it, but that's just weird.
I am pregnant. I know that. It's been a fact for a while, and I'm just starting to adjust to the news. It still strikes me every now and again that I'm a mom. I so don't feel ready to be a mom. I'm not. This isn't how I planned things, nor is it particularly convenient right now.
If we're being honest here (and I don't know what you're doing, but I'm being honest), I've just recently gotten over being annoyed about this little baby thing. It's ungrateful, yes. It's even sort of ugly on my part. Mostly, it's selfish. I really don't need baby brain while I'm trying to write my dissertation. I don't feel ready to give up my free time, my hobbies, my body. I had more I wanted to do. I coulda been a contenda.
Remembering back, I felt this way when I got engaged. I had been begging and pleading with God to please knock some sense into Handsome so I could marry him already. And then, on a beach during the wimpiest sunrise ever, the man of my dreams asked me. BOOM. I was completely caught unawares with how much I no longer wished to be engaged. I mean, yes, I wanted to marry the guy, but did we have to do it so soon? I mean, what was the rush? (Mind you, this was after dating for 4 1/2 years with no "off" time).
It seems similar to this. We've been married 4 years. I've wanted babies on and off throughout the entirety of that time. Sometimes, just seeing those little fists with their dimples... the smell of a clean little head... brings me to tears, I tell ya. And I do want babies, and a bunch of them, eventually. Heck, I even really really want this baby and love it already. But at the same time, its hard to believe, similar to how I felt about my single life, that the childless time of my life is over. I can't believe that the girl who is having her first baby is me.
So, if you don't think I'm awful and terrible, and you're still here, tell me: What should I be savoring, enjoying the lasts of, doing while I still can? My house is quiet tonight, although if I wanted to shout and be loud, I could and no one would be affected (effected?). I know that opportunities like that are coming to an end in a mere 21-ish weeks. And I don't mean "doing" as in medical stuff, like moderate exercise or healthy eating or prenatals, I am doing all of those things. I mean taking spontaneous trips or sleeping till 9 or watching a late movie. Moms out there, what do you miss? Help me savor this time so that I have no regrets when it's over.
(Which, from what people tell me, the baby is so bomb-phenom-awesome that you don't regret anything!)
Ready or not,