Thursday, September 6, 2012

No Belly Montage

I'm not doing a belly montage, folks.  I'm sorry.  If you were waiting around to see that, I've wasted your time.  I've been writing about apples, apples, and more apples.  For that, I don't apologize.  I mean, c'mon.  Honey Crisp, people.  Seriously.

But yeah, belly montages.  They look cute and I have nothing against them.  I even understand them, documenting the radical change that your body is going through.  I mean,  as Handsome keeps reminding me, he's never seen me with a belly before.  Sometimes he calls it a beer gut, because he's sensitive like that.  And honestly, I've never seen me like this.  


It's not much yet, although it's enough to make even using the 'ole hairband around the button trick not work anymore.  But that up there, that's your only belly shot.  I'd tell you to savor it, but that's just weird.

I am pregnant.  I know that.  It's been a fact for a while, and I'm just starting to adjust to the news.  It still strikes me every now and again that I'm a mom.  I so don't feel ready to be a mom.  I'm not.  This isn't how I planned things, nor is it particularly convenient right now.  


If we're being honest here (and I don't know what you're doing, but I'm being honest), I've just recently gotten over being annoyed about this little baby thing.  It's ungrateful, yes.  It's even sort of ugly on my part.  Mostly, it's selfish.  I really don't need baby brain while I'm trying to write my dissertation. I don't feel ready to give up my free time, my hobbies, my body.  I had more I wanted to do.  I coulda been a contenda.  

Remembering back, I felt this way when I got engaged.  I had been begging and pleading with God to please knock some sense into Handsome so I could marry him already.  And then, on a beach during the wimpiest sunrise ever, the man of my dreams asked me.  BOOM.  I was completely caught unawares with how much I no longer wished to be engaged.  I mean, yes, I wanted to marry the guy, but did we have to do it so soon?  I mean, what was the rush?  (Mind you, this was after dating for 4 1/2 years with no "off" time).

It seems similar to this.  We've been married 4 years.  I've wanted babies on and off throughout the entirety of that time.  Sometimes, just seeing those little fists with their dimples... the smell of a clean little head... brings me to tears, I tell ya.  And I do want babies, and a bunch of them, eventually.  Heck, I even really really want this baby and love it already.  But at the same time, its hard to believe, similar to how I felt about my single life, that the childless time of my life is over.  I can't believe that the girl who is having her first baby is me.

So, if you don't think I'm awful and terrible, and you're still here, tell me: What should I be savoring, enjoying the lasts of, doing while I still can?  My house is quiet tonight, although if I wanted to shout and be loud, I could and no one would be affected (effected?).  I know that opportunities like that are coming to an end in a mere 21-ish weeks.  And I don't mean "doing" as in medical stuff, like moderate exercise or healthy eating or prenatals, I am doing all of those things.  I mean taking spontaneous trips or sleeping till 9 or watching a late movie.  Moms out there, what do you miss?  Help me savor this time so that I have no regrets when it's over.  

(Which, from what people tell me, the baby is so bomb-phenom-awesome that you don't regret anything!)

Ready or not,
TFW

13 comments:

  1. Having been a mom 4 times over and starting at a much younger age than you, I can honestly say that there is nothing about my pre-baby life I miss. Of course, I didn't have the life you do. But, it's a trade off that's SO worth it. And your time will come around again. Plus, if you move to PA, Grandma will keep the baby so you can take a spontaneous trip and scream your lungs out at bedtime.

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    1. You know, I never think of your life before children :) Can't wait for Grandma to keep the baby so I can scream at bedtime!

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  2. Sleep. And go out to eat. Repeat.

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  3. Affected. I miss being able to just get up and go somewhere without worrying about babysitter, etc. Have as much baby-free fun as you can. Go to a movie in the middle of the week if you can. Go to a restaurant where there are no menus that come with crayons. Go to the mountains one weekend with Handsome without much planning. Just go. That's what I miss: freedom to just go.
    But, you'll never look back. It is the hardest job and the most wonderful job, and the most frustrating job, and the most rewarding job, and the most thankless job, and the most heart-wrenching job, etc, etc, etc. :)

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    1. Thank you. That's some good advice. Just go. I'd love to just "go" have lunch with my friend I haven't seen in months... :)

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  4. I know you know...sleep!!!! go to the bathroom by yourself :) Go back to Charleston :) Come see me :) Enjoy the quiet, your now fading energy, and not freaking over the weirdest thing you thought you would never freak out over. You are going to be one amazing mama girl! Remember that!!!!!

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    1. Bathroom by myself. Check. I'll stop inviting all those friends to join me :)

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  5. Affected. And... I'd give you advice but I'm not a mom so I don't really think I'm qualified. Just enjoy your sleep and alone time with the man.

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    1. Meh, from what I hear, before you're a mom, you actually know everything. So spit it out, let me know what you know!

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  6. What you're feeling sounds completely normal, this parenting thing is gradual. As for what to appreciate now, enjoy being anxiety-free. :) They say a mom's capacity to love grows with each child. So does her capacity to freak out!! Maybe it's just me, but I find myself worrying about every.little.thing. that could possibly be construed as not normal. And my prayers are ten times more earnest. I didn't realize how worry-free pre-baby life was until I had something so helpless and precious to lose. You'll have quiet time, you'll eat out, you'll scream, you'll go on trips... but you will always feel the intense responsibility and love and worry that comes with loving a baby so, so much. :)

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    1. I am so excited to meet this little one!

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  7. I would say right now that being able to go out without needing to worry about someone else is something I miss. I also miss not being able to be quite as spontaneous. but honestly, I think that's it. we made the choice to help our kids be as flexible as possible and have always just taken them with us, so we still have quite a bit of flexibility. I never even had that "oh my word I want a baby" feeling AT ALL. and I ADORE our kids. sooooooo... you'll be all good =) I don't think you really ever feel totally ready, and if you do, I think you're naive, LOL

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