Wednesday, November 14, 2012

What To Do

Hello all!  It's that time again!  Time for Mariah's quarterly life crisis moment!  Today, we'll be focusing in on her eating habits, real and imagined, while she struggles with some of life's questions, such as "Who am I?" and "What am I doing with my life?" and "Where do we go from here?"

You know.
As in, a life crisis I have quarterly.
Like, 4 times per year, not 4 times per life.
Totally normal, I assure you
via
...

Okay, that's entirely too cheesy for me.  Which is something I never say about food, btw.  But yeah, after a brief chat yesterday with my advisor, coupled with the impending baby arrival, I'm feeling a bit lost.  And sugar deprived.  The good news is: I don't have diabeetus!  My sugar test was perfect, baby is doing well, everything looks to be boring & normal, which is about how these things ought to go.  So that is wonderful.  Now I've just got to wait out the next 9 days until restriction (no fried, no baked goods, no candy) ends!

But being ready for this baby?  How in the world can one be "ready" for their first baby?  The very idea of it escapes me.  Handsome & I, we don't even know how much we don't know.  Specifically, we have no idea how much our lives will change.  The hubs, he likes to go on about how he'll do this or he'll do that, how things will be one way or another, and even though I'm pretty sure he's living in fantasy world, I let him go.  Because (1) He never believes me when I tell him things and (2) I don't really know what it's going to be like, either.

And then there's the after-baby.  A.B.  What will life be like A.B.?  Am I going to be able to finish this PhD? Do I want to?  What sort of job will I get when I do finish?  Will it be outside the home?  Do I still want to be a stay-at-home mom?  GAH.  All of these questions, this uncertainty, makes me want to bake these brownies and call it a night:

From Here
And yes, I do mean "call it a night" even though it's 7:36 in the AM as I type this.  Last night, when D & I got home around 5:10, I kept looking at the clock, trying to strategize a way to get to bed as soon as possible.  If he hadn't been home, I probably would have been asleep by 7:30.  I'm not feeling totally exhausted, I just want to rest all the time, if that makes any difference ;)

So, since I'm not eating baked goods, and I'm certainly not going to bake those lovely little morsels up there and not eat any (couldn't happen, ever), I'm going to focus instead on what I know.  God's got a plan for me.  I've got some tasks in front of me that need to be done.  So I'll do the next thing, which is basically my motto, and keep asking God "What the heck am I supposed to be doing?"  You know, in the most reverent way possible.  

Tomorrow, no doom & gloom, I promise.  Unfortunately, no brownies either.  But I'm thinking perhaps some cute baby things!  That should give me a renewed sense of purpose & vigor!  
<3 M.
p.s. - Hey you SAHMs out there: how did you decide to stay home?  I'd love to know!

9 comments:

  1. 9 days? such a long time! good for you! I'm a wife-not-yet-a-mother and i don't have a paying job. I love it so much. People think that if you don't have a job you must not have much to do but it's astounding to discover the opportunities that present themselves. I feel amazed that i now have the chance to pursue ideas just for the joy in them, not because i have to put food on the table. i'm starting next month as a birth assistant, i also get to collaborate with some wonderful people on creative events, like a christmas meal coming up, and help my husband in his work etc etc. The down sides would be less interaction with the world outside, time-management is always an issue! and you are the only one who is going to push yourself. Maybe it would help you to make a list of pros and cons then see if there are ways to get past the roadblocks on either side and determine from there. i don't think you'll really know though till you experience it.

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    1. Those sound like wonderful opportunities! I'm a fairly analytical person, so I most likely will have to make a list at some point :) Sometimes I think this uncertainty might kill me, but who knows? It might just be the making of me :)

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  2. You're right, God DOES have a plan for you guys! Just keep following where He leads and pray, pray, pray! Things will definitely be crazy and different, but He won't throw anything at you that you can't handle. I'll be praying for you girl. :)

    PS- Those brownies look DELICIOUS. Goodness, I'd like to bake up and eat a whole pan of those alone right now. Keep strong for the next 9 days– it'll feel so amazing when it's over!

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    1. God DOES have a plan for me... God DOES have a plan for me... :) Thanks for the encouraging words, and the prayers! 9 days until those brownies, promise!

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  3. Oh, girl. Every path is different. I thought I would be a career woman and when my first one was little, I felt great working, picking her up from day care and coming home to my husband. I had peace in my heart. When the second one came along, peace was gone. I hated dropping them off at daycare, I would get to work with tears in my eyes, I juts knew I wanted to be home with them all day. Same job, same girl, no peace. God made it uncomfortable for me to go to work. I loved my work and my career, but when I did not renew my contract at the end of the school year I felt free. For other people is not that dramatic. They make a rational decision, weighing all variables and choose to stay at home. I agree with Julie: pray, pray, pray. And talk to other women you consider wise and ask THEM to pray too. BTW, not that you asked but...if I could go back to my child-free days, I would do more spontaneous things like go to a movie just because, go away for the weekend just because, etc. Babies kill spontaneity. I didn't know that I didn't know that :)

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    1. GABY! Let's get together (ya ya yah!) I so want a clear path, a formula that works every time. Bah. I suppose that way, there'd be no opportunities for faith, no reason to trust. And seize the day, huh? I'll see what I can do :)

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  4. Anonymous11/15/2012

    MiMi, You really don't have to know what to do after the baby arrives. Your small little child will help you through that. When your Mom was born, I didn't know much except how to change a diaper. Fortunately, as you have. a sister who needed help ocassionally and I did have the chance to hold and change a diaper. that is all I knew at the time of your Mom's arrival. Believe me, it will come to you. Don't worry about it. I also went back to work when she was 2 months old. It is and was hard but I had no choice at the time. Lucky for me I had a wonderful mother-in-law to keep my children. Just trust God and he will help you through and will not give you more than you can handle. Believe me, instinct will set in and you have much more than you know, Much love.

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  5. Mariah, I am kicking myself (we're talking swift kicks, here) for not coming to visit you sooner. I really adore your blog (and I just saw the link to mine on the footer...oh my word, thank you so much!) and can't wait to follow along via Google Reader from now on. And GIRL...all I can say about the quarterly life crisis is Preach It! We should schedule ours at the same time every quarter and bake until the world makes sense again :) Thank you for being you! Can't wait to see how the Lord works in and through you!

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    1. I love the baking plan! Ha ha! Might have to take up running in between the crises, just to stash enough calories away for the baking nights ;) And yeah, your blog is down there. Cause I like to read it, wha wha!?

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