It is February second, in the 2013th year of our Lord. And I'm still preggers. I mean, this is not totally unbelievable, as my due date is still 2 days away. There are even horror stories floating around about how sometimes people *gasp* are pregnant past their due date. May I never learn that knowledge firsthand.
Anyhow, when you get to be as pregnant as I am, and you live in an uber-friendly place like I do, you get a lot of... suggestions. About how to get, as Handsome puts it, "un-pregnant". Lots. Weird ones, sometimes. Truck rides along bumpy roads, spicy food, and the running favorite (most awkwardly told to me by an elderly woman I had never met before), "What got you into this mess can get you out of it..."
Truth is, it's all hormones, even if any of the suggestions given can jump-start contractions, they can't actually make those contractions turn into real live labor. This baby is in control, and he/she is holding onto that control with all of his/her might. While I am trying to not ascribe unfavorable character traits to this unborn babe, I'm all the same relieved that we decided to not go with the Enzo, which means "Ruler of the House". Baby doesn't need an ego boost, as he/she is enjoying holding my entire future in his/her hands waaaaay too much already.
So the moral of the above story is, some things work and some things don't. And it seems, when it comes to trying to birth a baby, pretty much nothing works. Right now, I'm giving "excessive crying and pleading with God" a good effort, but still, it's a non-starter.
Now, let's pretend that I've segued in some smooth and sophisticated way. From babies. To laundry. And now we're here, talking about laundry, and things that do and do not work when it comes to laundry.
The list is short, please try to stay engaged. I've got one example of each. *Drumroll...* Things that do work: Homemade laundry detergent. I love my detergent. I made some in May, I believe, and just made another batch. Less than $20, 8+ months of clean laundry, SOLD.
And now, Things that do not work: Dryer balls.
|And yes, of course, I saw this on Pinterest.|
Where else would something like this be found?
In case you don't know, dryer balls are balls... of wool... that go in your dryer. If you believe the hype, these puppies can replace dryer sheets, de-static-ize your laundry, not add any harmful chemicals, and cut drying time by up to 1/2. Balls straight from heaven above. Heaven's Balls, more aptly named, according to all of the promises.
In related news, my new curse-word-euphemism of choice: Heaven's Balls!
You take wool yarn (or something like it) and make it into balls. Then you put those balls in a stocking, or a trouser sock. Then you wash those balls in hot water. Then you dry them. Then you wash them again. And dry them again. Heck, do it at least another time or two. At this point, they're supposed to be felted and you can use them (once you take them out of the trouser sock) in your dryer. And magic is supposed to happen.
Except in our house, magic is not happening. I don't know if it's the dryness of winter or what, but since we've switched to these suckers, the static level in this house is making touching anything downright dangerous.
The jolt is strong enough to make you shout, "Heaven's Balls!" when you get zapped. I'm not giving up on these suckers, and it's entirely possible that I've done something wrong or missed some crucial step. If I have, please point it out to me. But otherwise, I'm going to wait on counting exclusively on these guys until the humidity in the air increases, as it is wont to do before too long.
God bless South Carolina. Amen.
And I still use them, in addition to a dryer sheet, because I do think they help cut down on dryer time. I have been meaning to conduct an actual experiment, where I pour a cup of water or so on a towel, and see how long it takes for it to dry, both with and without the balls. Seems pretty sound to me. Except that using the dryer entails bending over or crouching down, and, Heaven's Balls, I'm fairly pregnant. So that'll have to wait for another time, when bending and crouching are not activities reserved for only dire circumstances.