Monday, March 4, 2013

My Fears

This whole having a baby thing its hard, yo. Like, way hard. Harder than I imagined it would be, for sure.  I love it, but there are definitely moments when I wish I could go back to bring pregnant, when I still felt bonded to this baby, but it was So. Much. Easier.  And when I didn't have to worry about a food baby after eating. Oh, the simple life.

"The Good Ole Days"
Also, where did my butt go?
Did someone take it?

One of the hardest things has been dealing with my crazy self.  I didn't suffer too much in the way of pregnancy hormones and mood swings. At least, not so much that anyone bothered to tell me.  But these post-partum hormones, they're like pregnancy hormones' ugly older bully of a cousin. Rough.

Most days, I take my crazy to my council, the group of women who have done this before me, who understand. My mom, my MIL, friends close and far. I've even got a bonus friend, she's a doctor AND a mom of 3 girls.  Did someone say "Yahtzee"?


But today, it wasn't the council who soothed my fears.  Today, Riley and God and I talked it out.  Well, I talked, Riley nursed, and God listened. Whatever.  I laid out my fears, brought them to light, and saw them for what they were: Lies.  I'm writing them down here so that I remember.  So that when I get caught up again, believing these lies, that I can look back and see the truth.  So here are my fears:
  1. That I won't parent Riley as well as possible.
  2. That I'll never sleep again.
  3. That this craziness of mine will never stop and Handsome won't want to hang out with me.
And here is the truth:
  1. I won't be the best parent ever.  I will screw up.  But I'm giving it all I've got, and I trust that God will fill in the gaps where I lack.  I'm the best mom girlfriend is going to have, and that's true.
  2. I will sleep again.  There are 12-year olds in the world.  They sleep.  Riley will sleep someday, and when she does, I'll be waiting, pillow handy, spa mask on my forehead, ready to take advantage of the opportunity.  And I will sleep.
  3. Once I sleep (see above), the craziness will diminish.  Likewise, my fun-ness will go up.  Handsome will be unable to resist me.  I'll be that girl he fell in love with, all over again.  And, I'll have bonus points stored up for being the mother of his child.  Guys eat that stuff up.  
So there's the truths.  The glaring light that shows my fears for the weak-kneed pansies that they are.  And here, as a bonus, is another song that I sing.  It's not a lullaby, but there are parts of it that really speak to me, even if Riley has no idea what I'm singing about.  I mean really, it's got to be better than her cradle falling out of a tree, right?

"There will be an end to these troubles"
Preach it.
<3 M.

16 comments:

  1. I was just getting ready to write you some truth, but you beat me to it. You are way more on-the-ball than you might think. Here's the one I added; Your responsibility to your daughter right now is to make sure she's safe, fed, clean, dry, comfortable. Your responsibility is not to make her happy or make her sleep. God alone holds the keys to those elusive treasures. I've said it before and I'll say it again; this perfect, unique, 1000-piece jigsaw puzzle of a mother/daughter relationship you and Riley share and will always share is 100% ordained by God because He knew she needed you. And He knew you needed her. That is true today and it will be true when she refuses to put the cereal back in the cupboard and when she calls you in tears because her baby won't sleep. I love you.

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  2. You know truth and that's half the battle. More, even.
    I remember how hard those early days of mothering can be. Hang in there, you will eventually get some sleep. Saying a prayer for you to have a good night.

    Oh, and I think your butt just swung around and meshed with your belly. These things happen, but even your body will go back to normal. Maybe it will be a new normal, but it will feel more like you.
    ~FringeGirl

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    1. You know, I think you're totally right about that whole "butt meshed with belly" thing! Thank you for your prayers! I mean, your kids sleep sometimes, right? I have faith that someday, mine will too :)

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  3. I ditto Dallimomma. I was thinking about my reply when you posted your own answers which are exactly what I would have said. So, yes, yes, yes, lies, lies, lies that hormones give a stronger hold to.
    Friend, it WILL get better. It WILL. And other things will pop up and you will find yourself when she is seven asking questions like: "why is she so bossy? What am I doing wrong?" So, it will get better but it will also be different. And sleep, oh, yes, sleep does wonders for your perspective. Remember that: you ARE sleep deprived and that colors your world.

    Blessings!

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    1. You're right, those hormones make truth sometimes harder to find. But I like your insistance, your caps that it WILL get better. Thank you for that encouragement. Miss you!

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  4. Amen, girl! Your fears and self-conscious feelings about parenting are nothing but lies put in your brain by the Evil One trying to bring you down and turn you away from God. And turning to Him in those moments is the best thing you could do! Keep up the great parenting– you're wonderful :)

    PS- LOVE that song!

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    1. Thank you, Julie! Again today, I'm going to try to not listen to the lies. Each day, really :)

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  5. i have been dying to tell you how completely beautiful your sweet girl is. i love all the pictures! secondly, you are certainly way more on the ball than you think. it is hard, and amazing, and the.best.thing.you.will.ever.do. and it does get better...and harder in new ways. so take it in, allow yourself to feel whatever you feel and don't doubt yourself. you are a wonderful mommy.

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    1. Thank you. This whole new world is here, and it's so strange and confusing! How odd, that you can do everything right, and still not get the results you want?? I'm learning, though! And your sweet babies are growing as well, I love the pictures on Instagram!

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  6. Love this. Good for you for being able to see the lies for what they are (in the light of day atleast, ha). I remember repeating that mantra of "there are teenagers who sleep. I know i can count on my kid sleeping at least when she is 10. One day, I will sleep again." over and over. Keep reminding yourself of it in the middle of the night. Because it is true! But in the meantime, your body is a pretty awesome thing and it totally starts adjusting to that no sleep thing. And maybe throw a pillow or two at your sleeping husband's head.. That made my middle-of-the-night-irrational-anger go down a few notches :)

    also, is dollimomma your mom? What great advice. "That is true today and it will be true when she refuses to put the cereal back in the cupboard and when she calls you in tears because her baby won't sleep" -- totally made me cry. You know, because you still have crazy mom hormones even when your daughter is 2 1/2.

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    1. Yeah, Dallimomma is my Mom. And she's fabulous with advice like that :) I think the same thing when I see teenagers - they learned to sleep, at some point. I think I may have to get a few throw pillows handy, though, for that sleeping husband of mine...

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  7. As a non-mama, I read this and I'm like oh right sure! Of course these truths, but I think in the midst of all the not-sleeping, and fears of being a first time mom, Every mom feels these fears and then has to figure them these truths for themselves.

    You'll be a great mom.

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    1. The while not sleeping really can do a number on a previously rational person. And those hormones? Even if I had been warned,I never would have believed it could affect me so! Thank you for the encouragement!

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  8. Great post! glad you're documenting those thoughts and declaring truth! I've been working at applying some of those same things to my own life. Your baby girl is so so sweet!

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    1. Truth and honesty is the only way to fight those ugly lies. Thank you for your encouragement and kind words!

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