Yesterday, I lost it.
Twice. Thrice. I don’t know, a few times at least.
For a moment, I thought the hormones had come back. Those nasty, ucky, terrible awful hormones. But no, it wasn’t them. It was just feelings.
I’m learning, through this whole mothering thing, that all too often I examine my feelings only enough to realize that they’re there, and then I hand them the reins and allow them to sweep me away. I’m scared… I’m tired… I’m fed up… I’m uncertain.
Yesterday, I looked down at RG, chillin’ on her changing pad, and I cried. I told her that I didn’t know what I was doing. I didn’t know why she was waking up after only 28 minutes, since she was clearly still tired. I told her I didn’t know if I should be doing anything differently, or if she needed to do things differently. I told her that I didn’t know how I was supposed to be taking care of her, and her Daddy, keeping the house, walking the dog, and doing my own work. I told her I didn’t know what to do. And I told her I didn’t know why I was crying.
So while I took care of my sweet girl, I decided it was time to name the problem. There is great power in naming the problem. That’s the truth for today. “I’m scared” is not enough. Why? What are you scared of? Name it, so that then you can deal with it. I remember when I named my fears. Then I dealt with them. Their power over me evaportated. Poof.
The problem’s name was “Nothing is going like I expected it to”. RG wasn’t napping like I expected her to. Handsome’s paramedic class had been extended by 2 weeks, and wouldn’t be ending like we expected it to. I wasn’t getting nearly as much done as I thought I should; at least, not as much as I expected to. It was a mess of broken and bruised expectations that was weighing me down. At one point I looked at Handsome and told him the name of my problem. I asked him, “How do you just not expect anything?” He had no answer for me.
Today, things are still not going how I expect them to. But that’s okay. That’s what grace is for. And today’s gift? Today’s gift belongs to my hard-working and thrill-seeking husband: